SURVIVAL LIST FOR Y2K

  1. Fatten up your closest friends. You may need them later...

  2. Run to the bank and withdraw as much cash as you can carry. Be
     sure to yell, "I'm going to the bank to withdraw as much cash as
     I can carry."

  3. Have a ski mask and baseball bat handy. You won't want to miss
     out on all the looting fun.

  4. Dig an underground bomb shelter. If there is no nuclear disaster,
     at least you'll have an underground bomb shelter. How cool is
     that?!

  5. Protect your water supply. Put a drop of yellow food coloring in
     every container.

  6. Get some carrier pigeons. They'll be your best form of
     communication.  They also taste like chicken.

  7. Get one of those Indiglo Watches. When we have the big power
     failure who's gonna know what time it is? You are, that's who.

  8. Buy lots of Spam. It will be the world's new currency.

  9. Punch a computer programmer.  Why?   Why not.

 10. Have plenty of clean towels. It's not specific to any millennia
     disaster, but when have you ever not needed clean towels?

 11. Get used to changing the channel by hand. Remote controls will
     be totally inoperable.

 12. Stock up on cat food. No, it's not for feeding cats - It's for
     catching them - if you know what I mean.

 13. Have plenty of sharp #2 pencils on hand. Due to computing errors,
     you may have to retake your SAT or ACT.

 14. Throw out your microwave and VCR. On January 1st, they may come
     alive and try to kill you.

 15. Collect all the spoons you can. Why? Because right now spoons
     are everywhere. But after January 1st, who knows?

 16. Move to Canada. Nothing bad ever happens to those guys.

 17. Visit a fertility clinic. It may be up to you alone to replenish
     the earth.

 18. Make friends with the Amish. Because after December 31st, we're
     all Amish.

 19. Hunker down. Then hunker down some more. We just like to say
     "Hunker Down."  Try it, you'll like it.

 20. Break in your kids that the world may end. Start by telling them
     there is no Santa Claus. That way, the news won't seem so bad.

 21. Save all your Christmas wrapping. It doubles as toilet paper.

 22. Crawl into the fetal position and practice screaming: "We're all
     gonna die. We're all gonna die."

 23. Stock up on earplugs so you don't have to listen to "We're gonna
     party like it's 1999" one more time!