What do Mexicans and sperm have in common?

There are millions of them but few work.

What does a martini and a woman's breast have in common?

One is not enough and three are too many.

My husband has always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told me he'd heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use 4400. I pondered that a moment, then concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands."

Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law." Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."

Q:A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going to LA from New Jersey. Who gets there first?

A:The lesbians, they take root 69 while the gay couple are still packing there shit

At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me."

Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

Pat McHenry and his wife, Martha, were getting ready to leave home for a vacation. Martha started out the door, then stopped and said, "Pat, this time you check to see if the coffee pot is off, television plugs are pulled, burglar alarm on, doors locked, and I'll go out and blow the horn."

When Paula Jones showed up at court, they did a strip search, but all they found in her panties was a wad of Bill's...

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol
and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when
he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet
running down his leg.
"Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."

Why are babies so fragile?
They are put together with one screw.