INTERESTING QUOTES

 Bill Maher
   "Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."

 Paula Poundstone
   "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the
   lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim.
   I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

 Judy Tenuta
   "I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out
   on myself."

 John Mendoza
   "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
   soup?"

 Steven Wright
   "Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for; just a
   second."

  Bobcat Goldthwait
   "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
   camera and come help me."

 A. Whitney Brown
   "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
   least they can find Kuwait."

 Dick Cavett
   "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."

 Warren Hutcherson
   "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
   in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?
   Do tall people burn slower?"

 Rita Rudner
   "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."

 Rita Rudner
   "When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and
   they would only play with each other."

 Rita Rudner
   "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
   same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

 Kevin Meaney
   "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
   where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my
   sister's house and ask her for money."

 Jay Mohr
   "You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."

 Michael McShane
   "I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."

 Jim Carrey
   "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just
   having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses
   when they're eating sandwiches."

 Garry Shandling
   "I have such poor vision I can date anybody."

 Jack Mayberry
   "I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
   Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be
   like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."

 Elayne Boosler
   "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
   every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
   picking the locks, they are always locking three."

 Bob Ettinger
   "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
   treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
   you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
   severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find
   you a temp."

 Jerry Seinfeld
   "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
   violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
   bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
   Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

 Jerry Seinfeld
   "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a
   war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that
   little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a
   weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go.
   You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off.
   I've got the toe clippers right here.'"

 Ron Richards
   "My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me
   advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."

 Jon Stewart
   "Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat
   pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has
   spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart
   everybody?"

 Conan O'Brien
   "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
   skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
   Duh."

 Winston Spear
   "I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
   pumpkin."

 Bruce Baum
   "I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting
   C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually
   bought a congressman."

 Marsha Warfield
   "Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
   That's why you should never date a baseball player."

 Jeff Stilson
   "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
   use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That
   may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
   animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."

 Sue Murphy
   "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
   that's how dogs spend their lives."

 Rita Mae Brown
   "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
   is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three
   best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."

 Lily Tomlin
   "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
   something else."

 Lily Tomlin
   "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
   specific."

 Drew Carey
   "I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight
   years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."

 Christopher Case
   "A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
   boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."

 Ellen  DeGeneres
   "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always
   say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my
   mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

 David Letterman
   "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of
   four people make up 75 percent of the population."

 Bob Saget
   "I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad
   dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing."

 Jay Leno
   "If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and
   Gomorrah an apology."

 Billiam Coronell
   "Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is
   still far away."

 Larry Miller
   "I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
   'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should
   hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"

 Jake Johansen
   "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
   'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I
   replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any
   witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

   "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
   my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
   learner."