"Things Not To Say When Hanging The 
Lights"

Did you know that hanging lights on a
Christmas tree is one of the three most
stressful situations in an on-going relationship?

Some psychiatrist claims the other two danger
zones are teaching your mate to drive and
wallpapering. They are rarely wrong on these
things.  We rush to print with an emergency
prompt list of Things Not To Say When
Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

"You've got two red lights right next to each
other, dummy.  You're supposed to go yellow,
green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green,
blue..."

"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

"What the hell do you do to these lights when
you put them away every year? Tie them in
knot?"

"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids.
I'm going to fry that sucker."

"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at
all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the
icicles. You're worse than your father."

"Give me that!"

"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-
down. The electric pluggee thing should be
down here at the bottom, not up at the top."

"I don't care if you have found another two
strings, I'm done!"

"You've just wound 'em around and around -
I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a
spiral this year?"

"Have you been drinking?"

"Where's the cat?"