Man: Doctor, I've just swallowed a pillow
        Doctor: How do you feel?
        Man: A little down in the mouth.

        Did you hear about the paranoid with low self-esteem?
        He thought that nobody important was out to get him.
                There once was a man named McSweeney,
                Who spilt some gin on his weenie,
                Just to be couth,
                He added vermouth,
                And slipped his chick a martini.

        Q: How do you make six pounds of fat look attractive?
        A: Put a nipple on it.

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at his local. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick." "How did you get it fixed?"
"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her." He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Darling. Look at this!" She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"

                        Husband: Fancy a quickie?
                        Wife: As opposed to what?

      Man: Doctor, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass Of Home."
           Can you help me?
      Dr : Ah yes, you appear to be suffering from Tom Jones Syndrome.
      Man: Is it rare?
      Dr : Well...its not unusual.