If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.