What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his rear.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Lawyer's creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...it was so cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Thanks Pamela Chewning via Tom Chewning via Tom Conroy ---

Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official US court records nationwide..."

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?

1. He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
2. Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Were you alone or by yourself.

How long have you been a French Canadian?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

1. That's me.
2. Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

1. By death.
2. And by whose death was it terminated?
3. Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
4. I'll be three months on November 8.
5. Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
6. Yes.
7. What were you doing at that time?
8. Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
9. I used to be.
10. How many times have you committed suicide?

So you were gone until you returned?

Q: She had three children, right?

1. Yes.
2. How many were boys?
3. None.
4. Were there girls?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

1. Yes.
2. And these stairs, did they go up also?
3. Have you lived in this town all your life?
4. Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body

of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?

1. It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
2. And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
3. No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!