**************************************************************


Q.      Did you hear about the new Jewish game show?
A.      The Price Is Too Much.


**************************************************************


    Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
 "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

    "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as
 you think. EVERY marriage has to have its first fight!"

    "I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the
 BODY?!"



***************************************************************


    Jimmy's mom dragged him in front of his dad during the football
 game.  "Talk to your son," she said.  "He refuses to obey a word I
 say."

    The father turned to Jimmy angrily.  "Jimmy, how dare you disobey
 your mother.  Do you think you're better than your old man?"



****************************************************************


    Mrs. O'Henry was talking to her husband one night about their son
 and his allowance.

    "Well, darling," said Mr. O'Henry, "I had a long talk with him last
 week about the value of a dollar."

    "I know," she replied, "the other day he asked for his allowance in
 Yen."



*****************************************************************


Woman: "How's your history paper coming?"
 
 Man: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the  Internet for
 research and it's been very helpful.
 
 Woman: "Really?"
 
 Man: "Yes! So far I've located 17 people who sell them!"  



******************************************************************


Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife ? 
A: Meat Patty 



Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.



******************************************************************


It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in
front of me.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.


*******************************************************************

   A lawyer's wife dies.  At the cemetery, people are appalled to see
 that the tombstone read, "Here lies Phyliis, wife of Murray, L.L.D.,
 Wills, Divorce, Malpractice."
    Suddenly, Murray burst into tears.  His brother said, "You should
 cry, pulling a stunt like this!"
    Through his tears, Murray croaked, "You don't understand!  They
 left out the phone number!"



********************************************************************


Q: What's the hardest thing to explain to a Jew about football? 
A: That a quarterback isn't a tax return 


Q: What do Monica's dress and Nascar have in common? 
A: Dick Trickle 



*********************************************************************


What's the difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your
taxes? 

If you tell the truth about your taxes, the IRS will still want to screw you.



*********************************************************************


A man got a vasectomy and paid for it with his Mastercard.

He forgot to pay his bill, so the finance company came to his house
and knocked up his wife. 


**********************************************************************


A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with
them to Jerusalem. 
 
A small child  replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter." 



**********************************************************************


A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his
mother, "Who am I? " 
 
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" 
 
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my
own mother wouldn't recognize me!" 
 

***********************************************************************



A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of
school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at
school, I'll promise not to believe everything he
says happens at home." 



***********************************************************************


Three gay guys are sitting in a bar. The first one farts
and it doesn't make a sound. The second one farts and
it doesn't make a sound. The third one farts and it's
really loud. The other two say "Ooo, a virgin."



***********************************************************************


Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics 
to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do 
anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean
dish and....'"


***********************************************************************



The Reverend Jesse Jackson has published a new book, entitled "Preachers Do 
More Than Lay People."



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