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Here's my life story. I came from a very poor family. They couldn't afford to have children, so our neighbor had me. I was so ugly when I was born that the doctor slapped my mother. Eleven kids 'in our family. We were so poor we had to wear each other's clothes. It wasn't funny - I had 10 sisters. I will never forget my school days. I was teacher's pet. She couldn't afford a dog. My father was never home, he was always away drinking booze. He saw a sign saying, "Drink Canada Dry" So he went up there. I learned dancing from Arthur Murray. Later I found it was more fun with a girl. I met my first girl, her name was Sally. Was that a girl ... was that a girl. That's what people kept asking. My wife has a nice, even disposition. Miserable all the time. I married her for looks - but not the kind she gave me. I miss my wife's cooking - often as I can. I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran, off without my wife. My kid is a born doctor. That kid can't write anything anybody can read. I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't bad. A man is incomplete until he's married - then he's really finished. I've been married for 34 years, and I'm still in love with the same woman. if my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me. My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him. I must be getting old. All my dreams about girls are reruns. If I'm not in bed by 11 at night, I go home. I'm not overweight. I'm just six inches too short. I'm so nearsighted I can't even see my contact lenses. Now that I've learned to make the most of life, most of it is gone. Some people ask, "What are your favorite jokes and how did you become a comedian?" Well, to become a comedian, you tell your friends lots of jokes, you get them all together, you keep the good ones. Before you know it, you're a riot at a party. Somebody says, "You ought to go onstage." Like an idiot, you believe them.
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