1999 Darwin Awards
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The long awaited 1999 Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards have been released!

These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that

individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to

remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)...

We proudly present the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:

5th runner-up:

Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at

the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.

The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital.

The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department

said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump

Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike

Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to

protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to

slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been

investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad

removed.

4th Runner-up:

Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis

market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot

dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found

him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch

wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd Runner-up:

Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him

on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd Runner-up:

"Man loses face at party". A man at a West Virginia party (probably related

to the man in Arkansas who used a .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his

pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering

an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24,

of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday

night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to

a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off

and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it into his

mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off",

Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with

extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area

Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that"

Payne said.

1st Runner-up:

Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the

skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from

the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an

initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known

now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend

tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right

eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major

blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.

Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland

said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding

at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood

vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on

his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he

and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so

dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County

district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is unde investigation.

Now this year's winners:

(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the

great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at

the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18

beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine

foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to

the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds

heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.

Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30 foot drop on the

other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself

crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along

with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts.

Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes

below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed

his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from

the tree. Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky

crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves Scratched his ENTIRE body and

now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his

rectum. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated

his thigh 3 inches.

(The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and

agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks of

the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving

away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse

and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police

arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the

truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.

Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked, scratches on

his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts

dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.