COLLECTION OF ONE LINERS
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We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid.......until she
closed her curtains.

He's what every woman wants - strong, sensitive...battery operated!

There is no truth in the rumor that Roy Rogers's horse Trigger sued him for
palomino-money.

Chap with a fetish walks into a sex shop and asks: "So how's the leather been
lately?"

Unfortuately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went and got a liquior
license.

Marriage - nature's way of stopping people fighting with strangers.

OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently?

Graffiti: Dylexics of the world - untie!

My friend so so full of self-importance - when he dies, he wants his mail
forwarded.

He's also a master of the English language. He's the only bloke I know who
can describe Pamela Anderson and Dolly Parton without using his hands!

I eat from the three major food groups: McDonald's, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut.

I always keep a coathanger in the glove box - just in case I locked my keys
in the car.

When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.

To errr is human..to really screw up something up takes a computer.

Sure you can't take it with you. But you can stash it where no other bastard
can find it.

My father never liked me. As a kid we'd play trains - he used to tie me to
the tracks!

And to used to give me bath toys like electric toasters and hair dryers.

When I was a teenager it took me a lot of time to work up the courage to ask
the chemist for a packet of condoms. Now it takes me even longer to choose
which color.

Women! First they marry you for your money....then they divorce you for it!

My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.

I told my wife I want to die in bed. She said, "You did last night, ...two
times!"

He's just a bit kinky... only  went through nursing school so he could wear
white pantyhose.

We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of the
Mercedes...then they kicked us out of the showroom.

I'm gradually getting my body back into shape - at least twice a week I think
about doing some exercise.

Loser? He's such a loser he says he was forced to have sex in a hotel room
against his will..... Problem was he all alone.

You know when your losing you're figure when you come home and find your
husband wearing your bra and panties ...... and he looks better than you in
them.

We have a self-cleaning refridgator - she leaves stuff in there so long, it
eventually crawls out under it's own steam.

My psychiatrist says I'm manic-depressive ......I have mixed feelings about
that.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words, ...."Don't
pick that up, you don't know where it's been".

Enough is enough...unless of course you're a nymphomaniac!

Never, never, accept YES for an answer.

My six year old now wants to have sex with birds and bees.