Two drunks are sitting at a bar.
The first one says, "What's this thing they call a Breathalyzer'?"
The second guy says, "It's a bag that can tell how much you drank."
The first guy says, "I married one of those things years ago." 


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What's the ideal breakfast for a man?
He's sitting at the table eating Eggs Benedict, his son is on the 
cover of the box of Wheaties,
his mistress is on the cover of the new Penthouse, and his wife 
on the back of the milk carton.


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Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room,
a young man said aloud in the crowded waiting room,
"I feel like a new man!"

"I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded,
"but I'll probably go home with the same old one."


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TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, 
how many dollars would you have?

LITTLE JOHNNY: One dollar.

TEACHER (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

LITTLE JOHNNY (sadly): You don't know my father.


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Q.  Did you hear Cher is joining the Spice Girls?
A.  They're going to call her Old Spice.

Did you hear about the cannibal policeman who was arrested?  He was caught
grilling his suspects.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 


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One day a co-worker told my friend, Stan, that she was
going home early because she didn't feel well. Since
Stan was just getting over something himself, he
wished her well and said he hoped it wasn't something
he had given her.

A fellow worker piped up, "I sure hope not. She has
morning sickness."


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Two guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding. "I'm not sure if my
future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is
some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red 
and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"



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The redneck patient was being admonished by the doctor at the local
health clinic. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you
ain't to have no relations whatsoever!"
Pausing for a moment, the young patient replied, "Okay, but what about
friends 'n neighbors?"



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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" 
And the father replied, "I don't know son. I'm still paying."


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A man goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor checks him
over and eventually finds a couple of bags of money up his ass. He pulls
them out and can't resist totaling up the value of the coins.

"Well", says the doctor, "I've found $1999.99 up your ass."

"Hmmm", replies the patient, "That would explain why I've not
been feeling too grand."


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A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the
little girl asked:

"Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?"

The little boy replied,   "That's too old fashioned"..."spit out your gum, I 
want to play 
President."



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After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided
to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every
single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored
eggs, then storms outside and beats the shit out of the peacock.




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Two blondes were walking down the road and the first 
blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and 
asks, "Where?!"


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During the 60's, when the draft law could induct most young men
into military service, the announcement was made that very few (if
any) married men would be drafted, war or not.
One Army recruiting office fought back by posting a sign:
"Better two years than life."


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