What's the definition of an accountant? Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant? When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality.

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."