Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 15, 1979
Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine... two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 16, 1979
Dearest John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 17, 1979
Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You're being a little overly romantic. Affectionately, Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 18, 1979
Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. Glad you stopped with the birds. All my love, Anges
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 19, 1979
Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Respectfully, Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 20, 1979
John: What's with you and those damn birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny anymore, so stop with those birds. Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 21, 1979
O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the am I supposed to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring those cows. Cowpies are all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, jerk. Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 22, 1979
Hey! Butthead, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing, they won't stop. They have been chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows get upset and step all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 23, 1979
You Rotten dirtbag, Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why they're called ladies? They have been up with those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep so now they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of cowpoop. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you. One who means it.
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1979
Listen! #%#!head, What's with the 11 lords a-leaping? All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by the cows. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1979
Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. You shall refrain from all correspondence with our client and direct any inquiries to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to forcibly restrain you and call the police. With this letter please find attached warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender and Cahole
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